Eternal Rambling of the Corrupted Mind

All good things...

2005-04-02T17:38:00.000Z

Faded Seaside Glamour

2005-04-01T11:22:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 12:01 GMT

Antonio,
I got an early morning wake up call from one of the chiefs at CFHQ.
There is some business they want me to take care of so I am being sent away.
It sounds like a difficult mission and I am starting to wish that I had listening in those classes in Bognor Regis.
Unfortunately this is my last message to you.
If anyone asks- tell them you know nothing.
Remember, they are watching. Always watching.
Lorenzo.

Comfort In Sound

2005-03-26T13:51:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo,
Sent 13:41 GMT

Hi Antonio,
It has been an interesting easter weekend so far. Although the week did start with a bit of a crisis. A few things were going my way. I had a couple of tickets to Feeder. A couple of albums to learn words from. A nice t-shirt to wear (a red one with a pocket) and the amazing Cherry Falls were supporting.
There was one thing going against me. Jessica could not make it. Gutted.
But being ever positive I decided to take the Gratiano (my nephew) to his first ever gig (long overdue as he is pushing 17). On the way there I could see his hate for me festering as he is hip hop kid and Feeder is not his thing. But by the end of the night he was glad he came. The gig started with some of the softer stuff (Tumble and Fall etc) which was great, then after 30 mins of that they upped it a gear and played (in quick succession) Just the Way I'm Feeling, Forget About Tomorrow, Come Back Around and finished with some old school stuff including Buck Rogers. The place was bouncing and looking back at the gigs I have been to - Snow patrol, The Thrills, Micheal Jackson and even Craig David (twice). They had nothing on these guys.

And guess who I saw in the crowd? A few people ahead of us I had spotted the bearer of the one ring. The master of the precious. Frodo Baggins. I think his real name is Elijah Wood. He was taller than I thought he would be but I am certain it was him as I checked out his feet and they were large and leathery.
Lorenzo.

Danger! High Voltage

2005-03-22T09:23:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 20:49 GMT

Hey Antonio,
I have finally come to a point where I am comfortable talking about the phone call I received from the Feisty Scot. He rang to check up on how I was doing as we had not spoken for a while. The conversation started in a pleasant enough manner but with all the formalities done he moved on to talking about how I felt about gay men as, if I have not mentioned before, he is gay.
"I don't give it much thought Scotty, don't have a problem with it, its never been a issue with me" was my response. He also wanted to know if I have every fancied a guy and, as he was sounding a little down, I said if I was going to fancy a man it would be him "especially after watching you dance" I added.
He was 250 miles away so I figured it could do no harm and they guy needed to be picked up and damn it if that needed to be said then I am happy to say it.
But that encouraged him.
He took the conversation down a road I had never traveled down but Scotty knew the route. Eventually he ended up with "well... if you were to come on to me what would you do"
"Stop it Scotty! I am not comfortable with this"
"Go on, it cannot do no harm, you need to be sure you are not tempted"
"I am sure... get off the phone"
"Are you not a little turned on?"
"No god damn it, you are scaring the hell out of me"
"I am a little turned on... in fact a couple of times in the conversation I was ha.............
Yeah I cut him off. The sick puppy.
You hear some people say "not every gay man wants to sleep with you".
Every gay man I know wants to sleep with me.
Just so happens that I only know one gay man.

Lorenzo
Centre of unwanted attention

Next week on Eternal Rambling: The man who tried to lure me back to his hotel room with a freeview box and a playstation.

You Cant Touch This

2005-03-19T09:50:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 09:01 GMT

Hey Antonio,
I think I need to explain the system of touching privileges that people around me have as often women (and men) go too far and express themselves and their affection through unwanted touching.

Level 1: If you are a total stranger then there is no touching. That I am speaking to you does not mean you can touch my arm and certainly not my hand. That is something the pointy chinned Marilyn Monroe lookalikey would do well to learn. This also applies to people I do not like.
Rule: If you dont know my name dont touch.

Level 2: If you know who I am but we have never shared more than three sentences then there is no touching. This covers most people I work with or friend of friends. Women in these circumstances appear to enjoy stroking my arm perhaps mistaking me for a friendly creature in Chester Zoo.
Rule: If you know my name but I dont know yours then no touching.

Level 3: If we get on well and from time to time have gone out either together or in a group then there is limited touching permitted but no more than brief contact with the higher or lower arm area and only in limited circumstances such as laugh out loud moments. Exceptions will (very rarely) be made for very sad times where resting a hand on the shoulder is appropriate. But never my hand. Not at level 3.
Under no circumstances will there by continental style pretend kissing on the cheek when greeting or saying bye bye.
Rule: If we get on well then your can touch within the prescribed parameters.

Level 4: Friends have the privileges contained in level three but are free to chose the moments in which it should happen. In addition, both men and women, are entitled to a manly embrace/hug but my body language will let you know when it is ok. Women can hold my hand but only where it is necessary such as dragging me to the dance floor or to stop me getting lost in a busy bar/club/gig. Men may never hold my hand.
Rule: If you are my friend you will know what is right and wrong.

I hope than explains a few things for you.
Lorenzo

PS the Feisty Scot rang me a couple of nights ago and during the conversation threw away all privileges and now is at Level 1.

London Calling

2005-03-17T20:00:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 20:15 GMT

Hey Antonio,
Sorry for the delayed message but after the weekend I have been wasted for a couple of days. Let me explain why.
Day one (friday): Drive down to London to meet The Prince of Morocco, Miranda and Shaft the southern crime fighter. Shaft was an interesting warm character who wore a long leather jacket, did some jive talking and used phrases such as "I might take you down but I will never let you down" with alarming regularity.
Checked into a nice hotel where we all met up and shared a few drinks and then it was off to the Brixton Academy. The gig was amazing and the visuals spectacular. Better than athlete and more opportunity to really shake my stuff and I was on top form that night. Better still- they did some old school jelly.

Day two (saturday): In the morning met the Prince of Morocco at his house on the docks which is very nice with canals everywhere (not in the house, that would be weird). Also met the Prince's bi sexual french room mate and his very straight forward german room mate who suggested and convinced me to stay another night and go to the legendary Ronnie Scott's. Lemon Jelly one night followed by jazz the next made me feel like a polyphonic prostitute.
In the place I had a great time as The Prince and I were chatted up by a pointy chinned Marilyn Monroe look-a-like from Bolton. She touched my arm followed by my hand and I needed to explain that she did not have those touching privileges especially as her date was stood a foot away and I felt like I was making him feel a foot tall. There is a code amongst us guys so I backed off. But then, stood at the bar, a 40 yr old Russian woman turned to me and said "what we must remember is that we all pay the same" in a very philosophical way.
"Oooookaaaaay" I said and then hauled ass back to the relative safety of my group to enjoy very good jazz.
Three of us headed home and bi sexual frenchwoman went to pull a man. She told me she only pulled men as it was easier. True to her word she arrived back home around and hour after us. The Prince was sure he heard funny noises (possibly a slap) before the loud music began to play. With that thought I fell asleep in a distressed state on my airbed.

Day three (sunday): Afternoon wake up followed by coffee with the tired looking frenchwoman, goodbyes to the Prince of Morocco and then a long drive to Bognor Regis for more crime fighting lessons. I took a two and a half hour detour to Chili's to eat a Chocolate Molten Cake which was so big they had to wheel it in on a trolley and was closer in size to Mt Etna than a dessert. You know you ordered the right thing when a kid says "I want one of those" when they sit it down on your table. It was a very long drive to the training followed by a very long drive back to lancashire arriving back at 1AM and starting work at 8AM that morning. I hope that is a good enough reason for not mailing sooner.
Lorenzo

Tourist

2005-03-08T22:11:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 10:08 GMT

Hey Antonio,
Athlete were fantastic, the songs were really moving and, although not as much jumping around like a crazy, I still had a great time. Best bit. Nerissa sitting on my shoulders during Vehicles and Animals in order to get a decent view when it looked like Diana Ross came and stood infront of us. It was a cheap night out as well. Left the house with £40, bought some drinks, paid £10 to get Nerissa and I into a bar and got home with £34 in my pocket. How cheap am I?

Anyway, I got a text from Jessica while I was out and we tried to meet up as she was partying in the big city as well. After traveling around and missing each other from one bar to the next we finally found each other (close to a previous interesting night out) at around 01:30 and even though I had been to a great gig, had great company all night, been to some cracking bars (including the piano bar) my memory of the night is when Jessica saw that I had turned up to see her and the smile on her face. I have felt warm and contented since that moment.
Lorenzo

Crime Fighting Lessons

2005-03-05T11:33:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 11:31 GMT

Hey Antonio,
Just got back from Bognor Regis for more crime fighting training. A long long drive but thank god that at the end of the journey I was met by Miranda, The Traveller and Samwise Gamgee who were just as much fun as back in late October. However, on a sad note it will probably be the last time I see The Traveller for some time as it is not often our paths cross. It is the nature of the tasks he is assigned.
Training consisted of intensive classes that ran from 8 am to 8 pm and covered subjects including but not limited to:
1)Self defence- The importance of good technique if all you have to hand is a two metre spear
2)High speed car pursuits- Always drive through stacked cardboard boxes, narrow side streets and knock as many markets stalls over as possible. Extra points if the stall is selling fruit and vegetables.
3)Dress code during surveillance or pursuit- Curly hair, oversized sunglasses, a moustache, brown shoes and always roll up suit jacket sleeves.
4)Sexy agent provocateur fake foreign accents- Focussing on French and Russian.
All in all a very useful few days and a chance to catch up with some very nice people. However, for an unknown reason the venue (the name must remain secret) provided us with lunch, every day, that consisted of a potato topped quiche served with chips and roast potatoes.
"Should I ask them if the have any mash?" commented the traveller sarcastically.
Catch up with you later
Lorenzo

Freak Injury

2005-03-02T11:06:00.000Z

Message from Antonio,
Received 19:35 GMT

Fish,
I have been on crutches over the weekend. I suffered a freak injury to my heel playing football, and its probably gonna put me out for a couple of weeks. Shame because I've been getting pretty fit.
I'm glad you have introduced the three laws but I really dont mind what you post about me.
That house party sounds strange and I'm not surprised you did a runner but at least you will be able to enjoy the rest of the week in sunny sunny south of England. Sorry, not much to discuss this week, not walking so my adventures have been limited to Pro Evolution Soccer 4 and I won't write about that.
So thats it really.
Au revoir (I always like to say goodbye in a foreign way but I don't know why)
Antonio

Three laws of anonymous blogging

2005-03-01T20:46:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 20:22 GMT

Hey Antonio,
I have been thinking about bringing my blog to an end as my cloak of anonymity fades and I type more and more things that may identify you or (more importantly) me.

I will continue (for the short term) but I have introduced the three laws:
1) A blogger must protect his own anonymity and the anonymity of the characters in the blog.

2) A blogger must always post something that is amusing or informative except where such posts would conflict with the 1st law.

3) A blogger must always depict events accurately except where such depictions would conflict with the 1st or 2nd law.

I have probably already broken these laws but I will try to be good from now on.
Lorenzo

Purple Rain

2005-02-27T13:47:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 13:35 GMT

Hey Antonio,
Was at a house party last night hosted by a work mate, who was wearing a pair of purple wings (I dont know why), and her friend the loudest red head in the world. She was a bit like ginger spice in the early days before she started with all the yoga. Anyway... Me and Olivia arrived fashionably late but we were still the only ones there and loud red head engaged me in a discussion about how she loved fish and so I talked about how I found them to be suspicious creatures that could not be trusted. It got quite heated.
Soon after we had the arrival of beardy man, white rasta man and Maroon 5 lookey likey man who all wore long black leatherette overcoats with one item of purple that was a condition of entry.
I wore nothing purple.
They brought wine.
I brought Guiness (for the host).
Somehow I felt outclassed. They made themselves at home in the dining room and we claimed one of the sofas in a prime spot for people/freak watching. Their behaviour is not unlike hours although rasta man did groom beardy mans beard in a chimp like manner. Then arrived the hosts long haired boyfriend (with short beard) and a woman in a silly hat. Surpirsing this bunch of strage looking people (by my standards) were good company, could laugh/joke and hold a discussion about a range of issues from the movement of New Labour towards the centre to over supply in th petroleum markets that has led to a recent fall in prices. I felt bad for judging and dismissing them for looking a little different to what I consider normal. But then they all started smoking joints and I now know that I was right to judge them and I should continue to judge people who look like that in the same way.
Lorenzo.

PS. On a very happy note, off to Bognor Regis again on tuesday night for some more crime fighting lessons where I will be joined by Miranda. I am very excited. I have not seen her for four months and that is far too long.

Phuket Beaches

2005-02-25T13:34:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 03:15 GMT

Hey Fish,
The cold weather is also in stark contrast to the beaches in Thailand. There were golden, sandy and bathed in sunshine but you had to be very careful in the evening as if you were a little drunk you could be swept away by a the local women who, there or four at a time, would take your arm and try to drag you into the bars in which they worked. It's nothing like UK places were the women hand you a flyer or like Ibiza were bikini clad women would tempt you in. You have to fight off the women in Phuket.
As well as this I think some of the places were selling more than just drink.
Lots of love
Antonio: Thai woman magnet

Days Without Paracetamol

2005-02-24T20:23:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 20:20 GMT

Hey man,
The contrast from the picture you sent to what I woke up to this morning is staggering. Drew back the curtains to reveal a white blanket coving all before me: bottles of milk, plant pots, paper boys, cars and the guys trying to deliver my Lemon Jelly tickets. I wrapped up and made for my car through bitter gales and blizzards, my navy overcoat quickly covered in a layer of snow drifting on my (halfway up the) hilltop house. Shovel in hand I dug out my crime fighting vehicle, attached my huskies, sat on top and ordered them to pull. Into the blizzard they took me, up into the hills along my normal commute route. The road littered with cars abandoned by the occupants, including non other than casualty's Art Malik, who put trust in their feet and not their wheels.

But up on the empty moors the huskies broke free leaving my car sliding to a halt and I was left alone with no mean of getting out of this rural lancashire prison. I had eaten my emergency Cadbury's Animal Biscuits on the Scotland trip so I sat in the car, hungry, in the cold, waiting, waiting and still waiting for help to arrive. But no one came. Hours passed and day turned into night. I never felt so alone. I dug myself a snow tunnel and climbed inside keeping only my head exposed to that I could see the outside world.
During my time in the snow tunnel I saw point of light on the horizon , it was really going, it was really somethin', it was beautiful, beautiful, just beautiful.
What was it?
Well that is a story for another time.
Lorenzo

The SCC

2005-02-21T21:53:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 9:42 GMT

Young Fish,
Why are you telling me about to experiences with another man in a public toilet? I really dont need to know.
However, I write to you feeling very pleased with myself. Last night, my football team who are about 5th bottom of the league played against the top of the league side, the SCC on perhaps the nicest pitch in Singapore. I have attached a photo. The SCC team (Singapore Cricket Club, steeped in tradition) had ex-pros and players from the Singapore Football League in their team. We somehow still won 3-1 and it was perhaps the most enjoyable game I've played in.

The place is this spectacular. You have to come over here.
Antonio.

Brothers in arms

2005-02-19T19:31:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 11:42 GMT

Hey Antonio,
I will assume you are fine and you have not responded to me because you are enjoying life in Phuket with the Ginger man. I have had a good working week and it ended last night in a lovely pub. At a point in the night I popped off to the gents and stood at the facilities, where I am at my most vulnerable, and guy sporting a "Porn King: Pimp Daddy" t-shirt came in soon after and stood next to me.
As is it the etiquette, on his arrival I said "Y'all right?" in a lancashire accent. "I'm good fella" he said (a standard response).
We were both there for the same thing (not that thing!) but I cant go with an audiance and it turns out neither could he. So we both stood there holding and waiting. I was high on redbull, a little giddy and I could not go, I really wanted to but I could not. So things began to run through my head.
It began with imagery to get me in the frame of mind: babbling brooks and waterfalls.
That did not work.
I moved onto soothing music: little bit of Ray Charles.
That did not work and now we are both stood next to each other (still holding) but I am thinking of another man.
Should I just zip up and go? I cant as that would mean I acknowledged the guy, pulled it out, held it for a while then then just left. That would be weird.
Then, fueled by the red bull, I begin to giggle, giggle a little more and then just stand there laughing. He tries to look the other way giving me the opportunity I so much needed.
I concentrate, this is my chance and the pressure is on. If I mess up now I could be here for hours.
Finally it happens.
Next time I will use the cubicle.
Lorenzo

King of the Rodeo

2005-02-14T20:54:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 20:55 GMT

Hi Antonio,
Took a road trip with Solanio up to Scotland. I know it was valentines weekend and I know he has a girlfriend but when he looks at me with those puppy dog eyes I find it hard to say no. Trip up there was fun, over the A-roads we passed a couple of lovers retreats/dogging spots where young start crossed lovers found a moments solitude from the prying eyes of the cities. We drove to Edinburgh and unknown to us there was a Scotland v Ireland rugby match on in the city and when we parked up at the top of the Royal Mile and headed into the so called "Pubic Triangle" full of glitzy bars and seedy lap dancing clubs. A quick call to the Fiesty Scot (living in exile across the Forth of Fife) had directed to some cool places where the beer was flowing and every other woman was wearing a short tartan skirt. Scottish women are fine and even though it was sub-zero they wore very little. Great bars, great women, great company. Great weekend.

Gripes: No spoons in my room, no heating in Solanio's (but that was funny), pillows the size of sanitary towels, map swept away by huge Loch Lomond wave, nearly wrote off my car on a sharp bend, man found with slit wrists in my bath, lots of fights between the Irish and Scots, very tired, forgot my camera, no monster in the loch, pillows the size of sanitary towels, spent valentines weekend with a man.
Lorenzo

The life of a degenerate cupboard

2005-02-11T20:48:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 05:19 GMT

Hey Lorenzo,
Hope you enjoyed the football. I especially like the chant "Who are ya" though I'm not sure what it means. I can't seem to understand the mentality of people who go to football matches and sing songs. Its a really perculiar occurance that people have just learnt to accept without questioning it. Philosphical methinks.
Cheerio
Antonio

Its coming home

2005-02-07T20:30:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 19:32 GMT

Hey man,
Still keeping up the hard work in the gym and what is worrying is how much I enjoy it. I caught myself looking in the mirror as I was lifting weights and I know I should have looked away but I did not. I stood there admiring my own bicep imagining how it would look if I flexed in the moonlight. I think my body releases some odd chemicals when I work out. I dont like that but I do enjoy the result. And the flexing.

On the way home I was listening to Radio 5 live and the footie was on. It was Blackburn v Bolton. "ouuuhh" I thought. A fiesty local derby. On the way down the m65 popped down to Ewood Park to get a ticket and got a seat right on the corner flag that was centre of most of the action in the second half. I sat there in my overcoat with chips and a coffee the bolton fans, that were 15 yards from my seat behind a police line, were taunting me. "who are ya" they chanted. "your not singing anymore", "blackburn are shit" etc. All great chants but a little wasted on me. I did not care who was winning - was enjoying the game and my coffee.

Still it was all worthwhile on the way out when a young lad all of 10 or 11 turned to his dad and said "If I see that kid who was looking and chanting at me I am going to kick the shit out of him"
Bless... they get 'em started young in Blackburn
Lorenzo

Mr Brightside

2005-02-04T09:45:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 10:30 GMT

Hey Antonio,
Things are great with Jessica and I. We are good friends and she makes me laugh. When she walks into a room I look at her and my heart beats a little faster but you should not read too much into that. A couple of days ago Solanio said "I have never heard a passion so confus'd, so strange, outrageous, and so variable"
I still think it is a heart murmur.

Had a stange encounter with a man today (not that kind). I was sat in Starbucks drinking my early morning coffee and it was busy so he came and sat next to be. An old man, thin and frail but with a proud head held high and a glint in his eye. He started to talk to me about a whole range of careers he had, his sporting achievements and a pretty young lady new to his life. It was nice to hear a man of his age being positve about life and not starting a conversation with what medical ailments he had or about the increasing levels of immigration that is changing the country for the worse.
He talked, I listened. It gave me an enormous sense of well being that just by listening to this guy speak I was making him feel a little better. There was a spring in my step today as I walked towards work.
I wonder if my 12:30 interview (also an old man) will go as well?
Lorenzo

So Here We Are

2005-02-03T21:19:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 09:08 GMT

Young fish,

Shame about Razorlight, their singer has laryngitis so I believe. I guess you wont be going tonight? Wont be much point. What is happening with you and Jessica at the moment?

Been busy this week and the Ginger Man is here so I haven't been getting much sleep. He arrived Monday evening 7:40pm. 8:30pm we go out. 11:30pm go to the four floors. 1:45am he left with a not so pretty local lass. He hadn't been out on the pull in a while so I think he was desperate. We're off out tonight should be pretty cool, starting off at a bar on the 72nd floor of a sky scraper with full length windows, my favourite bar. Ginger Man seems a bit strange to me (more than usual is what I mean), he seems to have lost a lot of self-confidence and is a lot shyer than usual. Perhaps I should ply him with Red Bull.
Anyway, I am off.

Antonio

Ooh La La

2005-01-31T22:14:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 10:15 GMT

Hey Antonio,
Was out running middle of last week I spotted a pretty woman walking down the street so being a man I puffed out my chest and sucked in my stomach and kept running while trying to look good. Got up close and it was Portia! I felt a little bit like a fool for the whole look at my big chest thing but it had been a few months and I forgot about that as we soon slipped into cosy conversation with the sun setting behind the hills. Really it was as beautiful as it sounds. Anyway, I asked her for a drink so we could catch up and we went out saturday night to a bar I know in the valley. She was looking fantastic, so much so that a random guy at the bar said "your a lucky man" like I didnt know that but it was still nice to hear. But you know my heart lies elsewhere so we were out as friends.

It was an enjoyable evening as we get on well, just like we did back in sixth form when I had that huge crush on her, but the night took a strange turn when the Rod Stewart tribute appeared.
He began to serenade the bar wearing his black trousers, black shirt (and a white dinner jacket) and as we were the only young couple in there, he worked his way over.
Portia: "Dont look at him and he will ignore us" sat next to me making very close eye contact
Me: "The place isn't that big... I can hear him getting closer!" I said in panic
Portia: "Oh no!"
I looked up and there he was, standing in his peroxide aging glory, singing Ooh la la. I smile (hesitantly) but that encouraged him and we got a rendition of Maggie May as well.
Thankfully he moved on after the second song.
We did as well. Quickly.
Lorenzo

Nudist Jim

2005-01-26T21:39:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 05:17 GMT

Ah, le Poissson. Bonjour mon ami,
I won't give the ginger man a kiss, I wouldn't want to build his hopes up and then dash them once I explain that you are the only one for me.
Hardcore gymming. If you keep that up til August you'll be quite the muscleman. I like the sounds of a Nudist Gym, I can picture many an erotic scene. I once knew a man called Nudist Jim, he was a good friend though it was a bit embarrassing when we went shopping or out to the cinema. Once I was driving along with him in the passenger seat and I reached for the gear stick but missed and..., well lets just say it was an unpleasant experience.

News from me: People at work are getting on my tits because all 3 of them are in the same Rugby team and thats all they talk about. So I went to one of Singapore's finests bars to destress after work and I found myself daydreaming about that foxy woman we met in the piano bar who sat on your lap. She was on her stag do and having a good night trying to flirt with you in a very obvious way but you just looked at her like she had walked into KFC and asked if they serve chicken. Either you were in a strop that night or you has Jessica on the mind. You were the envy of a few people in there, myself included, as at the same time I was being chatted up by a female quasimodo. Things went a similar way last night.
Cheerio
Antonio

Run Lola Run

2005-01-25T20:25:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 22:26 GMT

Hey,
The week has been fun so far. I joined a gym, like all men in crisis, in January and I have been 7 times in 8 days. I feel great and i look great but my hip is a little sore. I think time is catching up with me but there are many reasons to persist with it. The women there are really hot and wear very little clothing. I dont know why they wear so little, they must be freezing when the get off the machines all sweaty. I think it may be a nudist gym. Not sure.
But I have seen more naked men in the changing room than I would want. Why dont they use the cubicles? Now I find it hard to sleep, all I think about is...

Anyway... was on the treadmill last night and a good looking woman caught my eye, she reminded me of Jessica only not as pretty. She was running on one of the machines in front of me. I would look up every so often to catch a glimpse of her (for motivational reasons) until I realised she was moving further and further back in the belt and her back foot was lifting up right on the edge. She had my full attention then as she was doing some speed. I should have thrown my bottle of powerade at her and shouted
"You idiot... pay attention to what you are doing"
as she was fiddling with the tv screen (trying to flip from BBC to MTV I guess). But before I had the chance she moved back a little more and the treadmill sent her flying off the back. I tried my best to contain my laughter and succeeded to an extent. But then I said
"You idiot... you should have paid attention to what you were doing" and threw the bottle at her anyway.
A little harsh but I still think it was the right thing to do.
Lots of love
Fish

When will the bull become a bear?

2005-01-24T20:06:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 01:47 GMT

Ah young naive fish,
The 14th of February tis the day of lovers my friend. ie. Valentines day. I will go 33% further on that day if I get hooked up with a young Thai filly.
I think you should have your own radio show. You could call it "The School of Fish" and do every episode high on Red Bull. There would be no dead air that's for sure.
Not much to report from this end. I haven't been out much as I've still been saving my dosh for when the Young Ginger Man arrives 1 week today. I wonder if he will have changed much in the 4 months (yes its been that long) I've been away. It will be strange when I'm home in August, you might notice a change in my accent and I might notice a change in your beauty. Then we'll fall into each others arms and rekindle our long lost lover's flame.
'Tis all I care to write for now. Hope you recieve good news about the job. Would you move to that big city or would you commute? I think you should commute, I'd hate to think of you getting an accent from those parts.
Take care young man,
Antonio

Going live in 3...2...1...

2005-01-21T21:50:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 23.48GMT

Hi,
I was visiting a friend last night who works for a commercial broadcaster and he took me around the studios before his radio show. I was sat in the studio reading my newspaper when my friend was visited by a budding young presenter who was going to shadow him for the evening, a pretty twenty something tall well spoken asian lady with jet back hair and dressed in black from head to toe. She had a lot of pluck and in between telling my friend that he was the master and she felt she could learn a lot from him, she thought that it may advance her career by networking with me.

She was hot and had a great ass so I told her that i was soon to be posted to east asia as researcher to the Reuters correspondent. Elaborate I know but what else what I supposed to do?
Anyway... women in journalistic careers normally have one of two kinds of ass.
1)Soft and shapely that give a nice ripple when you slap* it.
2)Firm and muscular that send your hand bouncing back when you slap*.
I like seeing a bit of a ripple and I thought hers was one that would not disappoint so I kept the facade going for the rest of the night.
Turns out it was more muscular than I thought.
Lorenzo
*Ass slappage is best delivered with the back of the hand and with the consent of the other party. Poor technique will affect results.

Many an awkward silence

2005-01-17T21:36:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 01:42 GMT

Hey freindly fish,
Good look with the interview and hopefully someone will post bail in time. Make sure you make good eye contact and if there is a pretty woman interviewing pout every so often. She will like it. Especially if you lick your lips a little and give her a little kiss before you leave. Maybe even a little playful slap on the ass. Depends on how confident you feel with ass slapping. Played football on Saturday for the first time since xmas and struggled. It was a 1pm Kick Off too so it was stupidly hot. I had to come off 5 minutes into the second half because I was going dizzy. I put it down to a lack of lucozade sport as I normally go 33% further. I seem to have established myself as a first choice striker which is nice though.

Work is going well, getting a bit more involved as I am designing the customer service and compliance departments which we will eventually need. One of the guys from the office is staying with us for a while as he broke up with his girlfriend. I don't think I've ever met anyone of roughly the same age as me who I've got less in common with. Many an awkward silence when its just us in the office, strange because I generally find it easy to get on with people. Anyway with him at home its work and rugby talk 24/7 which gets a bit much. Hopefully the Ginger Man will liberate me. I shall be in Thailand soon where I'm sure I won't struggle to find somebody to make beautiful music with (and I'm not taking my guitar baby. oh yeah).
That will be all for now young man,
Antonio

Pretty woman

2005-01-16T21:55:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 09:56 GMT

Hi,
I had a nice week and I hope yours was the same. I did some prep work for the interview in another big city and part of that was to find our where the venue was. Since the interview is tomorrow I went for a little drive today with guidance from a Multimap map, I figure straight there and straight back home to brush up some my interview technique. Following the map I ended up in what appeared to be a residential area but turned onto what looked like the right spot. Ended up in a possible BNP stronghold residential cul-de-sac . Either that or the guys really liked that shaved head look. Shrieking like a girl I did a quick three point turn and doubled back on the main road.

On the main road, doing about 15-20 mph trying to look at the map and the street signs, I saw a young lady, wearing fishnet stockings and a red dress, walking on the footpath so I pulled up
"are you local?" I asked politely
"yes" she answered as leaning onto my car and gazing through the open passenger side window
"looking for company?" she added (an odd questin to ask)
"Err, no thanks, just need some directions" and I pulled out my wallet and tried to take out the address that I had written on a piece of scrap paper. As I looked up I noticed a sign on a lamp post that read
"Police notice. Kerb crawlers will be prosecuted"
At that point the blue lights started flashing behind me and the young lady made a dart for the BNP stonghold leaving me alone to handle the fuzz.
I tried to floor the policeman with some Kung Fu/Bruce Lee/Enter the Dragon moves Miranda had taught me but I am a little rusty.
And he had a truncheon.
The fish (caught and bruised)

The beatings will continue until moral improves

2005-01-09T21:55:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 08:45 GMT

Hey Antonio,
It has been a quiet weekend, and I spent some time reflecting on the possible change of job. During my reflecting I have come to realise that I am unhappy. I know my head has dropped a little. The confidence in my walk, my conversation and I am sure my eyes has diminished. There was a lot, too much confidence perhaps, but now I am running on empty. I think it has only now that I realised I am human and I need to be loved, just like everyone else does. Feels weird, like when superman gave up his powers and got beat up in that diner and whats worse people have begun to notice, the crimefighting HQ staff have brought it to my attention. Lack of confidence further manifested itself following me fucking up at work. In heated debate with a naughty person, with big voice, I said

"I am no novice and my words are gospel,
you will obey me or my retribution will be swift,
my vengeance is furious,
I am the law"

I was wrong.
Lorenzo

Staying out for the summer

2005-01-08T21:07:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 02:22 GMT

Mr Fish,
I hope Jimmy Carr abused you for your stupid question. Personally I would prefer a Randy Moose whose intention would be for love making rather than death. I suppose love making with a randy moose might actually equate with death but you never know, it could be enjoyable.
When are you coming over here? You can stay with us guys, the couple i am living with haven't had they're honeymoon yet and I know their planning it for late summer next year. You could maybe come out then, even with Solanio and Juliet perhaps cos there is plenty of room. A thought for you to mull over.
I have a trip home planned for this summer sometime for a couple of weeks to watch the ashes, that will be cool. Hopefully by then you will have forgiven Bassanio for the incident in the club.
I have sent xmas presents for you, Solanio and Juliet back with my parents. You should go round and pick them up whenever you fancy. The presents are not much, I thought I'd get you all something not easily bought back home, hence the ornamental nature of the gifts. But don't thank me too much for them, they really aren't that great. In fact you may find that yours is against your religious beliefs, I've only just thought of that.
Don't worry, its not hardcore drugs.
Antonio

Would you rather?

2005-01-04T22:30:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 22:16 GMT

Hey Antonio,
I like you little one liners but I rely of getting peoples attention with some flirty eye contact and waiting for them to come up to me and use their lines. Did I mention I was single? I was out with Nerissa a couple of nights ago and some guy thought "I am into property" was a good opening line. An icy stare from me and Nerissa laughing her socks off pretty much saw him on his way.
Anyway... once you have them with your lines I would suggest a game of "would you rather?".
My top three "would you rather?"
(forget the soft ones you use on a date. Sunrise vs. sunset blah blah blah)
1)Be naked or have everyone else around you be naked?
2)Be bored or frightened?
3)I went to see Jimmy Carr on his stand up tour and after the gig the (mysterious) lady I was with had to dash back into the theatre so I was left outside waiting in the cold. Then Jimmy himself came out and as I was bored I thought I would make small talk. We chatted about other comedians I had seen (as I am quite the comedy connoisseur) and the consitency of the trashy TV programs he always presents until he started to bore me and my mind started to wander. I needed a get out or a way to make the conversation a little more interesting . I did not want to be rude as the man had entertained me for a couple of enjoyable hours so i said to him
"Jimmy! Would you rather be confronted by an angry hippo or a randy moose?".

I dont know what I expected but I got a drawn out response regarding how he would prefer the randy moose as hippos (year on year) kill more humans than lions. Still bored but a little frightened I was rescued by my ladyfriend who led me away from the talkative babyfaced comic.
Number 3 is my favourite. Not sure if it would translate well.
Lorenzo

Hey there good lookin'

2005-01-02T14:15:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 07:42 GMT

Howdi,
The Doves are good but hard to explain. Imagine Oasis, but less guitar-riff driven, and more reliant on sound effects thus giving them an somewhat ethereal quality. Like a modern Pink Floyd almost but with more immediate songs and catchy rhythms. You will have heard some of their songs before and you should dig it more then a necrophiliac in a graveyard.
No girlfriend just yet but potential is probably less likely as I have found beggar all in common with most of the girls I have met over here. But if one should come along I will snap her up like a hungry crocodile leaping out of the water to surprise a migrating bison.
My top three chat up lines
1) "I've got a teletext television and a microwave oven!"
2) "I appreciate this whole seduction thing you've got going on here, but let me give you a tip: I'm a sure thing."
3) (In a Jamaican accent) "You see this?" grabbing at my crotch "I'll kill you with it!"

Last night i got no numbers and three slaps.
It was a wise move to come out here
I bid ye good tidings,
Antonio

Character Update

2005-01-01T21:36:00.000Z

I think it is prudent with the entrance of Miranda, the inspiration for the main characters names, to update the blog with details of some characters who may have or may in the future play a part. These character all work in a similar field to me and their roles may be speaking or non speaking.

Miranda- Very likeable, well read lady who has a sense of humour which is quite endearing and playful. Met her for the first and only time on the october work trip in Bognor Regis and have kept in regular contact by email. Femme fatale who fights crime in a black cat suit.
Exertise: Undercover ops. Martial arts expert. Black belt in more than one disipline.

The Traveller- First person I met when I walked (alone) into a conference room 250 miles from home. The traveller was one of a few people (including Miranda) who had more about them than just talking about work.
Crime fighting legend.
Once topped the Sunday Times "Crime fighters of the year top 100".
Expertise: Covert surveillance. So covert sometimes he is not seen for months.

Samwise Gamgee- Sat next to me in the conference room and after a day the traveller clocked him as being a famous hollywood actor. Was Tom Cruise's stunt driver in Days of Thunder. Now retired from a career on stage and screen he fights crime at weekends. To the best of my knowlege he does this without a costume but he does wear a utility belt.
Was also asked if he wanted to come back to my room for double decker.
Expertise: The Driver. No one can handle a high speed pursuit car like Sam.

The Feisty Scot- Worked in the crime fighting HQ for several summer months before being uncovered as a mole working for a foreign intelligence agency. Gone to live with boyfiend in scotland but had in the past refered to me as "the package". Curious.
I assume it was said refering to me as a proven crime fighter and not in a lustful way.
Expertise: Expert linguist. Very handy with a blade.

My point being

2004-12-31T20:53:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 10:15 GMT

Hey there,
Have you found thee a lady good sir? There was a couple of dates with shreks wife which is a good start (so to speak) but I hear little else. Do you want me to suggest some lines? Then again I am single (prob with good reason(i have lines)) and there is a risk you would get a slap.

I dont know The Doves but I do like Razorlight. I will look out for tickets. I am well prepared with Athlete, i have heard most of their album but I have not asked anyone to the gig yet.
I have been thinking about asking Miranda (the lady I met on my first Bognor Regis work trip in october) as she was a lot of fun and i think she is at this end of the country for the next couple of weeks. But it would be a little out of the blue as we last met three months ago and on that night, after a few red bulls I did ask her back to my room for double decker (not a euphamism). I think a call from me may frighten her as I normally get really nervous talking to women on the phone. My heart pounds, I start to breathe heavily, forget what to say, then say nothing (but still with the heavy breathing) maybe mumble an incoherant word or two and then hang up.

My point being

double decker talk + heavy breathing = frightning

Maybe I will go to the gig alone.
Lorenzo

I am fine thanks for asking

2004-12-27T21:48:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 03:45 GMT

Hi,
How delightful to be hearing from you. I presume you heard about the earthquake and the resultant tidal waves. Luckily in Singapore we are sheltered by Malysia and Indonesia so nothing happened here except small tremors. But I appreaciate you asking how I am!!! Unfortunately the Thai Island of Phuket, where me and the ginger man have a holiday booked in 6 weeks time, was hit really hard which is not good. That being said having a potential holiday spoilt is nothing of a hardship compared to that which millions are now suffering from.

However, I did had a merry christmas and for christmas dinner the brussel sprouts were served in a sea of walnut sauce. Yum. But it is all not quite the same when you are basking in the sun in 30 degree temperatures.
Are you seeing Athelte this week or next? Who will you take? they are pretty good but you should also keep an eye out for Razorlight and The Doves tickets. I think they are both touring soon.

The world of corporate banking is calling me so i must go
Antonio

Venture into the wilderness

2004-12-26T22:35:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 20:48 GMT

Hey Antonio,
You missed out an a very white christmas in this little valley where we were abound with snow. It was the good stuff, you know, light and fluffy but sufficiently thick so that you could form a snow ball that can cover some distance in the air without brusing your intended target. Unless you slipped a stone into the centre, really packed it together and put real velocity in the throw. Sometimes it can be fun doing the latter
...Anyway, a few of the family members and I headed out and a lenghty snow ball fight ensued. I did not expect it so I went out for the 45 minute fight with no gloves and I think I have frost bite. I have already lost two finger nails and a toe so far and another toe is purple. Do you think I should get it checked out? I find that drinking lots of port takes the pain away so that will do for now.

...Anyway the post christmas blues started once I woke up in this morning to find a woman in bed next to me. Then I started to question myself as
I didn't know who she was,
where i met her,
how we got home,
what we had done that night
or why she was dead!

I think I am going to have to take another trip onto the moors with a spade. I hate doing that in winter it leaves me with chapped lips and nails desparately in need of a manicure.

Lorenzo

This could be heaven but I dont know where I am

2004-12-20T21:44:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 19:48 GMT

Hey Antonio,
The Snow Patrol gig was amazing. To begin with there was the Delays who were very good even though they had a guy on a keyboard who would just keep walking around the stage in a random manner drinking from a bottle of water. I was waiting for someone to turn to him and ask "what do you do here?". Then Snow Patrol turned up and were fantastic (I am limted by the number of adjectives in my lexis but I do try my best). I thought the Thrills were good but these guys had charm and were working with material that was twice as good. When they played an Olive Grove Facing the Sea I just stood there in awe of them, you could feel electricity in the air and when the curly haired skinny man sung it sounded so sincere and moving that I could have listened to them for hours. Especially as I was there with Jessica. I dont think I have ever had a bad time when we have gone out, it is always full of laughs and jokes.
I had a fantastic night.
Maybe it was the music , maybe it was the company,
maybe... maybe... oh I dont know.

Anyway... This will be the last email i send you before the 25th so Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Lorenzo

Sober/Drunk Differential

2004-12-16T11:55:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 19:46 GMT

Well my old fuity,
I think the scoring system you suggested if very appropriate for the things that guys like us like. Coversation is important (as you dont want to bored with tales of shoe) and further to this it nice that attactiveness was not broken down into ass, breasts, legs etc as that would have been degrading. I think an issue for you to examine is the sober drunk differential (not in the mathematical sense relating to infinitesimal differences) as you cannot be drunk all the time. 11 is not bad at all as it is the approximate sum total of one criterium.
I think you may be onto something here. Does my sarcasm manifest in emails?
Although your conversation is limited from the sounds of it i think she is in lurve with you.

I heard a fantastic thing as i walked past a tatoo artists today. A 19 year old (i am guessing) girl, dressing the usual Burberry gear, on the phone to her boyfiend (i am assuming) saying "Its my body Adam, I will do what i want to it.... (pause) ..... dont you call me a hippy!". I cant stop smiling.

More happy news- I am of to see Snow Patrol tommorrow night. You know snow patrol? Run, Spitting Games etc. Their latest album, Final Straw, has proved to be their most head-spinning work to date - a swooping attack of distorted guitar, fizzing drum beats and woozy pop anthems laced with enough heartache to fill an ocean.
I am very excited and will provide you with an appropriate critique of the gig at a later date.

Lorenzo

Score as many points as you can

2004-12-16T11:47:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 02:00 GMT

Dear Sir

I shall split my ratings into drunk and sober because huge and startling differences occurred.
General Attractiveness - (Drunk) Quite pretty, a nice smile and fairly cute. Slightly small but not a problem. (7).
General Attractiveness - (Sober) Disappointing, looks a bit like Shrek's wife when she's a shrek. Very small, must have been wearing heels. No longer want to stand next to her for fear of looking gigantic. (5).

Communicado - (Drunk) Seem to get on quite well, have a few laughs, sometimes I can't tell what she says but that must be because the music is loud. (6).
Communicado - (Sober) Hmmm, her English isn't great. sends text messages saying things like "Antonio I hope to meet you well tomorrow". Conversation is limited to 1. Me being tall, 2. Me being handsome, 3. Me having a nice smile. Flattering but intellectually unfulfilling. (3).

Cuddlability - (Drunk) Cuddles well. Has that little midrift we like. (8)
Cuddlability - (Sober) Didn't cuddle when sober but fair's fair she looked cuddly (8)

SOH - (Drunk) my judging of a sense of humour is determined on whether they laugh at my jokes or not which, to be honest, may not be entirely fair. No-one in Singapore so far has laughed at my new chat up line, "Hi my name is Antonio, who the hell are you" so the fact that she didn't wasn't surprising. Her joke "Antonio are you gay? No? Can I make sure?" tickled me though (6).
SOH - (Sober) Realise I will probably never have a serious relationship with anyone who can't understand english properly. My comedic talents are wasted and I refuse to revert to slapstick. (1)

Eroticness (drunk)- Pretty cute. Would gladly pork. (7)
Eroticness (Sober)- Looks like a small shrek (disappointing admission). (6)
Overall, drunk - an alarming 34/50. Sober - a sobering 23/50. And there we have confirmation that you are right to stick to the Red Bull my friend.

Anyway I must go and tend to my beauty.

House of bus tickets

2004-12-15T11:32:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 21:02 GMT

Season Greetings

I know not about your Indonesian bird. Rate her for me (out of 10) with a brief explanation.
Your (male) friend appears to a a little insecure about his lady but i need to ask
a) given the chance would you pork?
b) if you had come on to her would she pork?
c) imagine you were living in the jungle in a house made of bus tickets with her and she left for the day to go to work. You were left alone so you meet your friend nabooi the lion who takes you out into the wildernes to hunt gazelle. nabooi catches and kills the gazelle, you feast on its flesh and you find it tasty but eat so much you fall asleep under the nearest tree. You wake to the hissing sound of mbanwi the snake who warns you that you should not fall asleep again as the tribal leader of the monkeys was looking for a human face and he had taking a liking to yours. he goes on to warn you that if you fall asleep again that is when the monkey leader will come for you for his desire is great and only when he takes the face of a human will he become king.
the next day you know you will be bored and will again go to hunt gazelle with nabooi. do you then pork the bird in an attempt to keep her in you house (made of bus tickets) ?
If the answer to a b and c is yes then the man is right not to trust you.

Lorenzo

If god wanted us to drink...

2004-12-13T11:24:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Recieved 01:53 GMT

Poor Fish,

If god had wanted us to drink alcohol he would not have invented hangovers. I know which club you are talking about and it would have been a good night but for the crazy girl.
went out on Wednesday for my Birthday and had a cool time. I went out with a married couple and a girl (who is a) friend. Good fun got back about 3.30pm with the said girl, who lives near us and whose boyfriend was out of the country on business. Unfortunately she had told him she'd ring him when she got in but forgot to do so and hence boyfriend thought I was porking her and I had missed calls in the morning as did other people who were out. They have been arguing about this since he's been back in Singapore and I think its pathetic and I'm pretty annoyed that (A) he doesn't trust me not to pork his bird and (B) he doesn't trust her not to pork me. Can't understand why someone would be going out with someone they thought was capable of porking behind their back.

Did I tell you about the Indonesian bird I went out with a couple of times a few weeks ago?
What are your plans for New Year? Hopefully, this time I'll have a good one. Going to a house party which should be cool. I expect you may e-mail me again before xmas but if not have a good one.
And on that festive note I shall bid ye farewell.

Farewell
Antonio

A Clubbers Guide

2004-12-11T14:00:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 13:02 GMT

So why the title "a clubbers guide" I hear you cry. Lorenzo very rarely goes to a club. He does not really enjoy them that much. Well there is good reason for that...
Bassanio and his girlfriend were going into the city to a huge club which i had never been to so after a couple of drinks with the blonde man at the piano bar i met up with them. I was looking forward to the night. It all turned on its head when a guy told me i looked pretty and gave me his phone number.

Lorenzo

You are really spoiling us

2004-12-06T21:53:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
received 06:01 GMT

The Fish,
It brings a tear to my eye to think that you would take time out of your day to correspond avec petit moi.
Not done too much recently, although I had a hardcore night out til 7am where I was singing Karaoke for an hour and a half non-stop but I have now. I was doing the Bee-Gees in true high pitch voice stylee to and people we're stopping in the streets to admire my foolhardiness.

Had a more respectable night out on Saturday. Went to the British Chamber of Commerce Ball which was very posh. Black tie and everything but not really my scene. All the women looked like they had just sucked on a lemon and the men on reflection spent too much time talking about work stuff which bored me a bit. I found myself waiting, watching, looking in anticipation for someone to call the butler through some majestic double doors with a tray of chocolates.
But he did not come.

Goodbye my friend, I have work to do.
Mr Ambassador

Walking in the shadow of death

2004-12-05T21:45:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 15:05 GMT

Hello my precious,

I hope my correspondance finds you in good health and happiness.
Went out this friday and again there was a lot of fun and i met a nice guy who works in our office. He is 40+ but back in the day he was uk cross country champion and in the 80's was the pace setter in the london marathon running 13 miles in little over 1 hr. i felt in awe of his talent and as the fireman left us a few weeks ago so was looking for a new hero. i may have found one. It is amazing how soon i can move on like that. That is wrong.

I was supposed to spend the rest of the weekend at home, emailing you, general relaxation. Then on saturday morning got called out of bed and had to attend an aunts funeral, not real aunt but... you know. I felt sad although it had been some time since we had met. On walking through the cemetary i began to read the grave stones and reflect. So many people die young and you cant help but ask what is it all about.
I came to the conclusion that you have to do what makes you happy. My struggle is doing this within the contraints of the law. That is also wrong.

Fish in a pool of reflection

Tis the season

2004-11-28T22:54:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 12:09 GMT

Merry Christmas,

We had our work christmas meal on friday and i like how people in an office can put aside their differences and come together in the season of good will and share a couple of hours together. Not sure which office that happens in but in ours we had a seating plan to make sure we did not end up sat next to people who we were averse to. Further to this Jessica ordered me to remove all cultery and replace it with plastic knives and forks. Is this normal behaviour?
Had a good time anyway.

Meal+ (drinks x good company) = Good times.
For desert I had chocolate pavlova with a chocolate hazelnut cream.
It hit the spot. Much like having your body tweaked by the woman of your dreams. Erotic (said while rolling the "r").

damn it - this is going to be a shorter email than i expected... I am late for a trip to Bognor Regis, need to pick up Nerissa and get going, it is a long trip, sorry. Will send appropirate, incoherant, long winded message next weekend.

fish

Smiley Faces

2004-11-22T20:53:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 01:18 GMT

Young fish,
Your e-mail made me very happy today. Not because of your great words of wisdom or because of your wit and intelligence, but because it reminded me of the Lorenzo we all know and love. Your random typings and elongated sentences were typical of the kind of speak you like to indulge in after a few can's of Red Bull, typified by that night we shared in the Piano Bar. Ah, the memories.
Shame you aint going to the snooker. That is about all I understood from your e-mail.
Interesting stories? Went out after work, hit a few random bars, I got extremely drunk and we ended up at a cool night club. In there we were sat with some Thai girls one of whom wanted a piece of me and I was more than happy to let her have some.
New paragraph as things turn bad. The said bird offers me a cloret and puts what I thought were two mints in my mouth. One tasted funny but I thought I'm in the far east and there is nothing dodgy here! About 15 minutes later I stand up to go to the toilet and low and behold I am incredibly off my tits. I had been drinking much anyway and presume that bird slipped my an E.

Dont think i will be drinking there again, although - free E.
Antonio

Pot as many balls as you can

2004-11-21T21:31:00.000Z

Message From Lorenzo
Sent 21:37 GMT

Hey Antonio,
I write to you today on a sad note. No my mum did not just walk in on me as i was watching porn (a la American Pie opening scene). And no i did not just spend whole day in the house and am now watching four weddings and a funeral on channel 4... well maybe one of them happened.

So how has your week been, i ask becasue, well you are in the far east- single, young tall... fan of led zepplin(?) and you must be having a great time and i want to tell all my domestic friends your funky tales.
My week has involved being poorly but not, getting my head down and doing my homework but not, trying to be cool about who i went to the thrills with...but not (obviously i am a fan of "..." and ( ) ) so i have had a good week
Did you know that cottage cheese is a popular source of protein?
My apologies, i am very excited. Can you tell from the tone of my type?

I bet you miss bonnie old England with the sweeping hills, babbling brooks, friendly people and bars where everyone knows your name. What am i talking about?
a ha- the reason i am sad, writing on a sad note etc.

I could not get tickets for the snooker and so i will be watching the york final in a hotel room in a rural location one mile from the nearest town. But you are in the east so why would i want to go there without you? Well Portia lives there and she is a fine looking woman with a big heart and great personality. In fact why am i not in york at the moment?
forget this email i am off to tell Portia i am on the ................

Character Update

2004-11-18T10:19:00.000Z

My (the) mentor. Out of the blue a work mate enters the scene and again I have not introduced the new character in the play. Maybe I should give a run down of my work mates?
... on reflection at this time I will keep this about my mentor as she deserves her own post.
The Mentor- She has the warmth of Donna and confidence of CJ from the West Wing. For reasons I am unsure of she like me. She also heads a team which includes Jessica and myself. We all get on very well. She has cool taste in music and I do follow her lead. In new music we trust.
I know she has a blog, a good one (so I am told), but I have not the courage to seek it out for what if I read about myself and am confronted with my shortcomings. Do I change who I am as a consequence. Do I alter my personality based on a cyberspace interpretation of my actions. Am I flattering myself by assuming I am mentioned? ... I will not read it.

Moving on. Now maybe I knew there was a strong chance we would meet at the gig, maybe I did not. But we did meet and no doubt she will leave it to me to disclose or not to disclose.
She is a star...

...but how do I deal with this?

Two timing touch and broken bones

2004-11-17T21:09:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 12:47 GMT

Ola,
Unfortunately Jessica could not go to the gig and big Bassanio could only make it late evening so i asked Nessia. She is really funny as well as knowing how to party so was the perfect choice. I was not going to mention it as it is no big deal and its not like it was a date.
...anyway, outside the gig I bumped into my mentor and her partner so my, not so much of a secret, is out. I was going to let Jessica know but I had not got round to it. Now this could go one of many ways but do bear in mind I have done nothing wrong. I did not think going to the gig could bring possible awkward consequences.
How did that happen?
It was just a gig.

Maybe next time i will go to the gig alone.
The floozy

Thrills with Nerissa

2004-11-15T20:55:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 01:23 GMT

Bonjour Monsieur Fishyboy,
I know the Thrills but i dont like them. The lead singer's vocals are too airy fairy for my liking (if that makes any sense). Glad you had a good time with one of your bitches. I like your pimpin style bruvva. Why didn't you take Jessica?
That bird did ring me back and has given me details of the modelling agency she works for but i dont know if i'm gonna bother. I cant imagine posing for photos and not laughing. I would just think of David Brent!

Au revoir (I like these continental phases)
Antonio

Whatever happened to my friend...

2004-11-14T20:36:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 17:08 GMT

Hey ya,
I was at The Thrills gig on friday shaking it like a polaroid picture. You know the thrills? santa cruz(your not that far), whatever happened to my friend corey haim etc etc. They are a Dublin band, who add a modern, focused edge to the classic American sound of the 70's... you get the picture.
Did the sexy Ukranian call and did you follow that with a rampant former sexy soviet union resident orgy? I would like to think so. I think it is one of the few countries with a significantly higher % of women so if you struggle for a random fact there you go.

...anyway - I went to the thrills gig with Nerissa and neither of us really knew who the thrills were. I bought the album 1 hour before got to the doors and we tried to learn the words asap. We did ok but were a little short on time. The Irish lads were immense- so good that i bought another album. The place was buzzing and i was jumping around looking like a crazy fool but who cares, it was fun.
I will have to do that again.

fish

Character update

2004-11-09T00:07:00.000Z

Looking at my blog I realise that I have not fully explained Jessica's character.

Jessica- A fast track recruit to the crime fighting office who was head hunted from Oxbridge and we have got to know each other fairly well over the last year. Rumoured to have taken out sixteen criminal gang members using only her Kung Fu skills. Turns heads when she walks into a room, is funny, confident, sexy but modest with it.
We go out from time to time and it is always a lot of fun.
She has my respect.
She always covers my back and always I covet hers.
She is good friend.

I miss your sweet ass

2004-11-08T01:52:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
Received 04:52 GMT

Howdi young fish,
I to am missing the likes of you, the monkey, the giner man and the small round man. Never realised how cool it is having friends you've known for 13 years. Over here i have friends but they are more like aquaintances (spelt wong i expect). I am not miserable though, far from it, on friday this really sexy bird (Ukraninan i think) came up to me and asked me for my details so she could contact me. She was from a modelling agency! I was trying to play it cool but found this so funny I started laughing uncontrollably. Anyway i gave her my number. Surreal but cool as hell.

Something for you to think about regarding this Jessica creature. Maybe she only wants to be friends. You are obviously in a better position to know if this is true. I am merely hypothesising.

Lots of male model love
Antonio

I miss you

2004-11-06T23:36:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo,
Sent 10:04 GMT

Hey Antonio,
Sat at home thinking "man i wish i could go out in the big city/play snooker/chill with Antonio. Is this pining? I dont like it. I bet you having a great time kicking it in the east with those sexy oriental women! but take care of yourself cos it is a crazy world.
You better be working hard cos if i come over i expect your house to have a pool... well at least a jacuzzi. is that how you spell it? screw it if i want to spell it like that i will!
Just to keep you informed, Jessica and I are still good friends. I know you will want me to be laddish about things but it will never happen.

Lots of (Lorenzo)Love
Lorenzo

Are you a REM fan?

2004-10-18T22:21:00.000Z

Message from Antonio
received 01:37 GMT

Fish,
I have no idea what Bognor Regis is like or where it is so it sounds nice and mysterious. I'm gonna be jealous when you're off watching REM too yon bitch. do you know any of their songs? do you think about what you are buying or do you just waltz up to the box office and pick random tickets? sorry for the mini rant, it is the jealousy manifesting.
Hopefully, by next summer, i will have my own place and you can come for a visit. I might have a trip home myself next year.
Anyway, good to hear from you.

Antonio

Holiday in Bognor Regis

2004-10-17T21:57:00.000Z

Message from Lorenzo,
Sent 21:21 GMT

Hey old friend,
Sorry for the slow response, i have been living it up in Bognor Regis for work. Have to go another 5 times before the academic year is out but i had a great time. It was a lot of fun. The only downside was the sudden awakening for the caffine restricted light sleep at approximately 5am. There was a noise outside the room which can only be described as the ritual sacrifical of a small bunny followed by daubing of blood around my window frame. I was told that i was paranoid. But that does not mean that people are not following/watching me or killing animals outside my room.

Things are cool with Jessica. I am lucky to call her a good friend.
No tickets for the York snooker but i do have tickets for Athlete, Snow Patrol and Rem for summer 2005. I am now entering a ticket buying frenzy which will result in heavy consumption of red bull on every night followed by inevitable insomina likely to last through the weekend and will probably end as i am driving to work on a monday morning where i will yeild to the sweet call of sleep on my comfy comfy car seat.

That does not compare to snooker in any way but i thought i would share that with you anyway. How is the job/life in the east? all you hoped for? dont build it up too much otherwise i will be on the next flight over.

Lots of Love
Fish

Damn You

2004-10-11T21:47:00.000Z

Message From Antonio
Recieved 09:02 GMT

Damn you and your monkey friend,
Typical, the first snooker I miss and you get to see Ronnie. I sent a detailed email last week but not to you because i lost your address. I'm sure Solanio has kept you updated. How are things with Jessica? It should be easier now i am gone because your feelings for me wont cloud your affection for her. In all honesty thats one of the reasons i left, sometimes you make sacrifices for the special people in your life.

Thats all Fish

Antonio

Background

2004-10-10T21:13:00.000Z

I am a happy young whimsical man living in England and I have known Antonio since we met in secondary school when we were about eleven. We pretty much kept the same circle of friends through the wonder years into university but then Antonio flew to the Far East in late summer 2004. Left with emails as the most covienient form of communication I will give you an (edited) account of what we say about ourselves, our friends, the ones we love and anything else on our minds as we type.

The Actors' Names

Lorenzo/Fish- Me. Egotistical, self serving and narcissistic. I dont talk about work too much but i am one of the finest superhero crime fighters in the country. Criminals look over their shoulder in fear at the very mention of my name.
I drive a crime fighting vehicle that rivals the batmobile although it resembles postman pat's van.
I do wear a cape. A red one.
Antonio- Tall smart lancashire man living in the in the Far East. Gone to make his millions in corporate banking.
Solanio/Monkey- My best friend and good friend of Antonio. Hard working and witty. Gone to make his millions in the coal mines of north wales.
Bassanio- The last of the lads left in the home town. Big aryan german looking fella with a good heart. Gone drinking.
Jessica- My friend who I met through work 12 months ago and like (a lot).
Portia- Old school friend who I had a huge crush on in the last year of sixth form. Lost touch after a year of university. I met her for the first time in five years this summer.
Nerissa- Bubbly, warm hearted friend who can turn heads when walking into rooms and knows how to party.

The Thrills - Band nominated for the Mecury Music Prize who's passage from irresistible sunshine-pop classicists to one of todays most inventive and important young artists has taken only two albums and little over 18 months. Gone from strength to strength.

Eternal Rambling of the Corrupted Mind

All good things...

Faded Seaside Glamour

Comfort In Sound

Danger! High Voltage

You Cant Touch This

London Calling

Tourist

Crime Fighting Lessons

Freak Injury

Three laws of anonymous blogging

Purple Rain

Phuket Beaches

Days Without Paracetamol

The SCC

Brothers in arms

King of the Rodeo

The life of a degenerate cupboard

Its coming home

Mr Brightside

So Here We Are

Ooh La La

Nudist Jim

Run Lola Run

When will the bull become a bear?

Going live in 3...2...1...

Many an awkward silence

Pretty woman

The beatings will continue until moral improves

Staying out for the summer

Would you rather?

Hey there good lookin'

***Character Update***

My point being

I am fine thanks for asking

Venture into the wilderness

This could be heaven but I dont know where I am

Sober/Drunk Differential

Score as many points as you can

House of bus tickets

If god wanted us to drink...

A Clubbers Guide

You are really spoiling us

Walking in the shadow of death

Tis the season

Smiley Faces

Pot as many balls as you can

***Character Update***

Two timing touch and broken bones

Thrills with Nerissa

Whatever happened to my friend...

***Character update***

I miss your sweet ass

I miss you

Are you a REM fan?

Holiday in Bognor Regis

Damn You

Background

Character Update

Character Update

Character update